I let myself go this year.
Not in the fact that I have gotten fat (i'm actually skinnier than I was pre-pregnancy) or don't pluck my eyebrows are do my hair every day but that I don't worry anymore.
You would never know if from associating with me, but I have always constantly worried about acceptance and approvals from others.
I honestly think that had my older brother not been a drug addict that I might have become one just in the search to fit in.
I never felt like I fit in with my family. Caleb was gone by the time I was 10. Addie and I never really got along. I don't know why. Quinci and Noah seemed to have each other and I wasn't needed.
Whether any of this is true or not, it is how I felt.
I was the middle child. In my mind no one wanted me.
I have always had a hard time letting people in. I don't trust easily. My heart has been broken too many times for that. I have a wall a fortress really that I think only Matt and our Little Man have ever completely gotten through.
This year I decided to change that.
To Let Go.
of the anger, the fear, the desperate need to be loved and accepted by people who in all honesty DON'T MATTER.
To let go of all that and to accept myself.
The stretch marks, the scars from surgeries that never seemed to heal quite right, the ability to talk more than anyone could ever listen to, the desire to study the gospel of Jesus Christ even if it makes others believe that I am weird.
In LETTING GO I FOUND MYSELF.
And I am a good person.
I am not perfect but I am good.
I make mistakes but I accept them and move forward attempting to learn from my errors.
I am me and that is not only okay but that is great.
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