Bradley

On May 8th I started having regular contractions.  I wasn't even 34 weeks pregnant so this had me worried that Bradley would try to be joining us before it was the best for him.

I had to go to emergency services and be checked for dilation or effacement. They monitored my contractions and assured me I was really having six or more contractions each hour. Luckily for me and Brad I wasn't dilating or effacing so he would be safe. The downside was that I was literally having regular contractions all day every day for the next month!

On May 30th I had gone down to City Creek mall to eat in the food cart with my friend Janae.  As we were eating I got incredibly sick to my stomach.  After spending over TTY minutes in the bathroom emptying my stomach of its contents Janae and I started walking to the SLC temple. We had to stop four times because the contractions were just that powerful. 

As I was doing initiatory work I genuinely wondered, along with the women serving beside me, if this little boy would be joining me within hours.  By the time I arrived hoe the contractions had settled down to my "normal" ones and Matt and I went to bed.

On June 5th the contractions picked up in intensity so I started to time them. Anywhere from 4 1/2 - 6 minutes apart the were coming on more regular and increasing in intensity.  Thinking that at just shy of 38 weeks I might be going into labor and have a baby born on 6/6/12 I started to get really excited.

I tried to encourage the contractions. I went walking. I used aromatherapy. I was so tired from contracting every day for just shy of a month that I was just ready to meet Bradley.

After a long night of timing and breathing through contractions around 5 am the contractions began to slow back down to my "normal" contractions. I was disappointed but accepted the facts for what they were. . .Bradley wasn't ready to join us quite yet.

Sunday June 10 I sat uncomfortably through teaching our Sunday school class. In Relief Society people told me to hang in there and that Brad would be joining us soon. Sister Serrano even went so far as to predict id be in labor the next day.

That night we went to dinner at my parents house. My dad had made a new dish that smelled delicious.  I loaded up my plate with the pork, peas, and croissant. Then I just stared at it. My appetite was gone.

I quietly wondered to myself if labor would start soon. My appetite disappearing was one of my first signs of labor with Levi and I wondered if it would be a commonality between the two births.

That night at home my stomach while not very full was very upset. I stayed up til 1 trying to calm myself and my body. I woke up for my normal nightly potty trips and was feeling better. I was tired so I kept going back to bed.

June 11th Levi woke up and Matt went to get him. Soon Matt was getting ready for going into his internship and Levi was snuggled up next me me in our bed. I slept while Levi played the app ALIEN BUDDIES on my iPad.

All of the sudden I was wet. Significantly wet.

Had my water just broken? Had I just peed my pants? Either way it was going to be an interesting day.  

As I waddled my way to the bathroom to talk to Matt more liquid came out of me. I told Matt “I think my water has broken” for the next 15 minutes we talked back and forth about whether my water had really broken (Matt was sure it had and said I needed to call our doula Carrie) or if I was just wetting myself (which I was sure I was because I have a weak bladder and my water wasn’t going to break both births. . . was it?)

I didn’t want to call anyone because if I told someone my water had broken when in all actuality I had pee’d my pants I would be mortified.

After those 15 minutes passed I called and informed Carrie that my water had broken and was coming out regularly. After advising me to eat breakfast and stay super hydrated Carrie and I hung up. 

I decided to call the midwifes to see if I could simply be checked. At my most recent appointment I’d been a finger tip dilated and 75% effaced. I wanted to labor at home as long as possible but also wanted to know where I was starting from. They said they were good to check me and I scheduled the appointment for 11 a.m. 

I cleaned Levi’s room, I cleaned the family room, straightened the kitchen, prepared an all day diaper bag for Levi. When I was about to start on our room I realized it was time to leave. I thought this would be fine because I would be home soon to finish getting the place ready for Brad.

Levi would be staying with my good friend Janae and playing with her two cute kids Eden and Evelyn. When I dropped him off he was NOT happy. It was as if he knew his whole world was about to change and he simply was not ready for it. Leaving him behind was so hard.

The drive to the hospital seemed to take twice as long as usual because we were stuck behind incredibly stupid and dangerous drivers. When we got there we pulled into the valet area and grabbed the bear minimum of things we would need and walked to the clinic to meet our Midwife.

After being escorted to a room and giving a urine sample and being told to strip down below the waist the midwife came in. I had met Jessica at a little get together that the midwives do but I didn’t know her well at all.

As soon as she learned not only had my water broken but that I was positive for group B strep, with an allergy to penicillin, she told me we needed to go up to Labor & Delivery right then and be admitted.

As we took the elevator upstairs I couldn’t believe it. I would be having a baby that day. 

Part of me thought about running from the hospital. This was so against the plans I had originally had for Brad’s birth. I wanted to labor at home as long as possible without any interference or being attached to the i.v. to receive the antibiotics I needed.

I thought my labor would progress fast though and I had to get the dose of medicine to help Bradley not get sick and that was worth it to me.

We arrived at the front desk and checked in. It took a minute because I didn’t look like I was in labor. I didn’t have my i.d. or insurance card. We hadn’t planned on staying so all those things were still in the car.

They also had me in the system twice. A problem the U of U has had since Matt first got our insurance when we were married. They have me in there with all the correct information then have another Hannah White whose birthday is August 13, 1983 and has Darrell and Cindy’s address for my address. No matter how many times we ask them to correct it it is still there. Most the time I don’t care but when it is what is keeping you from being admitted it is a huge pain!

After we got that all figured out with the secretary we headed back for labor and delivery. Our nurse was standing in the hall waiting for us. She reminded me of my mom in the early 90’s. Something about the way she looked and carried herself made her seem that way. It was nice and comforting.

Her name was Janet and the midwife on call was Jill.

Jill seemed nice enough. She checked me. I was a finger tip dilated and 75% effaced same as I had been the previous Thursday at my appointment. Jill also pronounced that their was slight meconium in the fluids. This wasn’t a huge concern but would come into play when Bradley was born.

I was quickly put on monitors so they could watch Bradley’s heart rate and the size of my contractions. Because I had previously had a c-section they were also watching for any signs that my uterus might be rupturing.

I was nervous about delivering before the shift change at 7 p.m. I didn’t know this midwife. She wasn’t part of the practice but was someone who covers shifts.  Carrie wasn’t too concerned that we would be delivering by then so I just tried to stay calm.

That afternoon went by so slowly. Carrie had family pictures and one of her back up doula’s  was there with us. Her name was Valerie. She was nice enough but i was no where near comfortable enough with her there and new I would for sure not deliver before Carrie was back.

At around 3:30 Jill came to check on me.  I hadn’t changed. I was still only a fingertip dilated and 75% effaced. Jill mentioned getting on Pitocin to make my contractions stronger. I realized she probably hadn’t even looked at my birth preferences because the first thing she brought up was something I stated I didn’t want to do.

I asked for time to talk with Matt. We decided to do nipple stimulation with a breast pump instead.

Over the course of the next few hours I walked the halls, received antibiotics and pumped. I was able to produce colostrum which we sent over to recovery to save for Bradley.

I watched t.v. because I knew it wasn’t happening that night so I might as well relax and enjoy the easy part of labor.

Dr. Heath, the anesthesiologist, came to visit me. I had to sign some papers in case I ever needed an epidural or emergency pain relief for a c-section. She was nice enough but I told her I wouldn’t be needing her because I was going to have a successful VBAC and unmedicated birth.

Shift change came. Now we had Lisa the midwife - who was awesome, Amy the student midwife and Melissa as our nurse. Melissa, Amy and Lisa were quick to read my birth plan. I felt like they actually cared about my experience as a TOLAC (trial of labor after cesarean) patient waiting to VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean).

Amy and Lisa suggested getting some sleep while I still could. Carrie went home and Matt folded the couch out and set up the bed.

Amy sat and talked with me for a minute and commented on my go with the flow style. She said it would make a huge difference in my birthing experience. For a few minutes I felt I had met a kindred spirit who was saying the things I really desperately needed to here.

I was reminded that no matter what course my birthing experience took I was going to get to meet my sweet little boy and that no matter what my birthing experience was mine to own.

I asked Matt for a blessing. I had already had the one that morning but after laboring that long with no real progress I was down. God reminded me that my body could and would do everything I had prepared it for. To trust in Him and His plan for me and Bradley.

Little did I know His plan still had me in labor for 25 hours!

Matt and I went to bed. I reflected on the blessing. I knew my birth was not going to be what I had planned or expected. I didn’t know what that meant but I tried to have faith in the blessing, the Lord, and in my body.

Around one in the morning on July 12th Lisa walked into my room. I hadn’t been sleeping so I sat right up. She explained that my contractions on the monitor weren’t getting any better (they weren’t stronger or closer together) Brad’s heart rate was still doing great but we weren’t guaranteed that it would stay that way.  

Hospital policy would “allow” me to labor undisturbed for 36 hours before forcing Pitocin. It was Lisa’s feeling that waiting that long could prove to be dangerous for me and Bradley. Since my water was already broken I was already at risk for infection and the longer we waited the more likely it was that Bradley might go into distress.

As she talked I felt very calmed by the Spirit. This was the Lord’s plan for Bradley’s birth. I consented and she left to put in the order to be put on a low drip of Pitocin.

(Pitocin can be given up to a power of 40. I was going to start at a one and only increase to a max (at that time) of a 4.)

I woke Matt up and told him what was going to happen. He was concerned but not surprised that we were going this route. We both slept for the next few hours.

Around five a.m. my contractions were strong enough that I called Carrie and asked her to get ready and come up to the hospital. She didn’t get there until almost 8 a.m. because she had an allergic reaction and had to go to an insta-care to be treated.

Matt and I breathed through my contractions and hoped that this meant the baby would soon be here.

My entire pregnancy I had looked forward to laboring in the water. Water has always had such a calming effect on me and I knew I wanted to be in the water for much of my labor. However, water can also slow labor so I was trying my best to avoid it so I could dilate faster.

Shift change came at 7 a.m. Now our midwife was Amy and our nurse was Colleen. Amy was super nice and really pretty. I remember thinking she wasn’t what I anticipated when choosing to go with the midwives. Colleen had naturally labored with 8 children so she was more than supportive at our attempt to go unmedicated.

At around 9:30 Amy came back in and encouraged me to get into the tub and see if the water would help me relax. I think at that point she knew what I didn’t realize til after Bradley was born. I was too tense. I wasn’t letting myself dilated because I was scared of what awaited me. Sure I wanted my baby but I had never truly gotten over the fear that I would have to have another repeat c-section. That I just wasn’t strong enough for the task that lay out before me.

I put on a bikini top with no bottoms, so happy to not have to wear a diaper anymore, and got in the tub. I wanted the water almost scalding. The warmth felt so good against my body that felt as if i were an ice cube.

I had the idea that in the water I wouldn’t feel the contractions in some ways it almost made them worse. I was now on a pitocin dose of 14. When I wasn’t contracting I was in a sleep like state in the water. As I felt the contraction coming on I would roll onto my left side. Carrie would apply pressure to my tailbone, where most the contraction seemed to focusing its power, and Matt would stroke my back and talk me through the contractions. As the contractions got more intense I found myself blowing bubbles into the water. I’m sure it was bizarre to Matt and Carrie but somehow it made the surges less intense.

After some time in the tub, time was irrelevant I just lived in the space between contractions unaware if hours or only seconds were passing, I needed to try to not think. I asked Matt to grab the iPad and turn on Wicked. I made some silly comment about I was sorry if this made Bradley gay. (I’d love him regardless.)

As I sat there singing I tried to sing through some of the contractions. They were getting more intense and I knew I was finally making the progress I so desperately needed so I had Matt text Mallory, our photographer, to get up to the hospital as soon as possible.

Soon I felt the need to pee so I finally got out of the tub.

About this time Amy came into the room. She wanted to check me again. I was sure I was at least at a 6 maybe even a 7. Her words shocked me and made me feel like a complete and total failure. I was only at a 3 and 75 maybe 80%  effaced. I had barely made any progress and the contractions already hurt more than I had anticipated that they could.

At this point I wanted to give up. Matt, Carrie and Amy were still all so positive though but all I could think in my head was that I wanted to just be wheeled in and have the repeat c section. Amy suggested that we put in a Intrauterine Pressure Catheter, as well as a normal catheter since I wouldn’t be able to go to the bathroom. The Intrauterine pressure catheter would measure the strength of my contractions so that would hopefully be better able to dose my Pitocin so that it would have better effect on my contractions.

Mallory arrived as we were having this conversation. So now I kinda felt pressure. I mean I’d called the photographer because I thought I was close to pushing and here I was stuck at a 3.

Because of the catheters and the antibiotics that I needed every 8 hours I wasn’t moving very far from the bed. The contractions seemed to be getting worse and worse.

I labored on that bed for what felt like forever. I cursed. I cried. I begged God (in my mind) for this moment to be over. I had always thought of Levi’s birth as my own personal Gethsemene and suddenly I realized that in its own way each birth would be like that and I tried to surrender.

I cried some more, I cursed more than I would like to admit and begged Matt to make the pain stop.

It needs to be stated that there was never a better labor companion or partner than Matt was in those moments. He was strong where I was weak, kind when I was mean, able to lighten the mood when I simply felt broken. He was everything I needed him to be. It reaffirmed not only my love for him but the fact that he was truly the best choice I could have ever made for an eternal partner.

I had read that kissing could help contractions so I remember reaching my head up started to make out with my husband. Before I knew it the room was empty and Matt and I were standing next to my bed and slow dancing and kissing trying to work through the contractions.

It worked at first but suddenly the pain was back and stronger than ever. As Carrie, Mallory, and Amy came back into the room I requested some pain reliever to be put into my I.V.

I needed it. I had been in labor for 29 hours. I needed something to help me keep going.

Amy gave me a little pep talk about how do-able this was. How strong I was. How I was made to do this. It was nice to know that my midwife still believed in me because I sure didn’t know if I did.

The pain relief felt almost instant. I would go into this zone between contractions and then do my best to breathe through the contractions. However the relief was so temporary that I got the dose 3 times before learning it works less and less each time.

I was kneeling on the bed in a position similar to child’s pose. Matt was up by my head, stroking my back and pressing down on my shoulders as the contractions came on stronger and stronger. Carrie was still doing the tailbone press/hip squeeze. Amy was massaging my feet and it felt amazing.

I would zone out and come back and realize I was contracting and my whole body would tense up. I couldn’t seem to control myself. I couldn’t stop myself for fearing the contractions, the pain they brought and the fear that I wouldn’t be strong enough.

During one contraction as Matt was encouraging me through it telling me how strong and amazing I was I told him I was going to punch him in the face. I was so done with the whole thing. He laughed and said He would probably deserve it. Just another example of how great he was during labor. I apologized almost immediately. 

I knew then I was done. I needed the epidural. I had sworn up and down that I didn’t want one, that I wouldn’t have one and hear I was begging them to give it to me. I told Matt it wasn’t his body or his decision to make and that I wanted an epidural and I was going to get one. Instead of asking for one as I had in previous hours I demanded that they get the anesthesiologist in there as fast as possible. 

Matt and I had said we would have a code word that would be there for when I had truly reached my breaking point. We never picked a word but he recognized this demand as my code word and they sent for Dr. Heath the anesthesiologist.

I don’t know how many contractions came and went as I waited for her to arrive. It could have been an hour or just five minutes but I was so much calmer knowing that soon the pain would be gone.

When she arrived I was calmer than I had been since we arrived at the hospital. I found it humorous that all my practice in hypno-birthing was most effective as I was receiving my epidural. I was in the zone.

I was calm, collected and didn’t feel those contractions as I sat there and waited her for to insert the epidural. I was talking with everyone laughing. 

Amy was so sweet to yet again reassure me that this was a good choice. That I was listening to my body and doing what it needed. She reminded me i’d be laboring for such a long time, not just since my water broke, but the whole month before it. She said she truly thought the epidural would help me relax.

After the epidural was placed I talked to Dr. Heath for a few minutes. Since her last name was Heath I asked where she was from to see if we were possibly related through my grandma Gibson. She was from Burlington Vermont. We talked Vermont for a few minutes and then I decided it was time to sleep to let my body get the rest it so desperately had been craving.

Carrie went to get lunch, Matt got food and then laid down in his bed to sleep as well, and Mallory went home to await another call.

I awoke at about 6:30 and felt as if I had slept 100 years. I felt more ready to accomplish what I had come there to do. Matt and I talked a little bit and Amy came in to say goodbye and encourage me in my laboring process. She seriously felt like a little angel sent to encourage me at all the right moments.

As shift change came and went we didn’t meet the new midwife Sarah or the student wife Bindu who were on call. Melissa, who had been our nurse the night before, let me know they were attending another patient who was having an emergency.

Carrie came back and we waited to see what was happening.

Around 8 or 8:30 Sarah and Bindu arrived and introduced themselves. Bindu was really sweet. Sarah had just returned from her own maternity leave and was probably one of the nicest most “normal” of the midwives we had met.

 We had been waiting for Sarah to check me. I was so nervous. She asked if Bindu could check first to get some practice. I was fine with that and agreed to it.

They asked where I thought I was. I wanted to punch someone - not out of anger but frustration. I thought I’d been so much further along only to find out I hadn’t progressed this morning. I couldn’t handle it if that happened again. However instead of punching I responded “4”.

Bindu checked me and smiled and pronounced I was at a 5. 

I had to be happy about that. I had never gotten past a 3 with Levi so I was officially more dilated then I had ever been before.

Sarah wanted to double check and make sure Bindu was right. Carrie and Sarah were commenting on my bloody show. I couldn’t see any of it from where I was lying so I just listened.

Sarah came up looking kind of serious and told me that I wasn’t at a 5. I wanted to cry! How could I not be there. I couldn’t be a 3 still. I would DIE!

Sarah then announced I was a 9 and a station -2!!!

I would have jumped up and down, run around the labor and delivery area, and screamed for joy but I sat there in disbelief. I was  9!

A 9! That is transition that meant that Bradley would be in my arms much sooner than later.

I had the bed repositioned so it sat more like a chair. We texted Mallory and told her to hurry up to the hospital.

I hoped by sitting that the pull of gravity would help me get to the 10 cm I needed and pull baby Brad down.

We sat there talking as I wiggled my toes and realized that while I couldn’t really feel my contractions anymore I could feel almost everything else. I could move. 

My butt got so numb sitting there and letting all the anesthesia drain to my bum. I soon rolled over so I was kneeling and was shaking my bum trying to move the anesthesia to other body parts.

Suddenly I felt the biggest urge to poo. I was stuck to the bed though. So I just had to poo right there. It was slightly embarrassing but I reminded myself that poo-ing was a natural part of labor and it wasn’t anything to be embarrassed about. It felt like one of the biggest poop I’d ever made but Matt said it was actually pretty small.

Somewhere during all this Mallory had arrived. Around eleven I felt the urge to bear down. I requested a squatting bar. I didn’t know if I’d be able to use it with the epidural but I sure wanted to try it if I could.

Sarah and Bindu rejoined us. Brad was now at a +2. We were good to start trying to push.

I was laying on my back, a position I never thought I would use to birth, but as so comfortable that I tried to push from there hoping to bring Bradley down.

It didn’t feel like it was working. I stood up and tried to use the squatting bar. Everyone seemed really impressed that I could do that while having an epidural. 

My epidural was amazing. It was enough to help me dilate but was gone by the time I had to push so I could actually feel the urges to push and help Bradley come down.

Soon I realized the squatting bar wasn’t going to be the way I birthed so I laid back down.

Sarah encouraged me to pull my knees up to my chest and push for 3 breaths while contracting. Melissa, asked if I wanted to be coached or left alone.

Pediatrics was called in to await the birth of Brad. Since Jill had seen some meconium (even though they hadn’t seen any in at least 24 hours) the pediatric department was on hand just in case Bradley had gotten some meconium into his lungs.

I pushed and pushed. Sarah had me kind of roll onto my left side a little bit while I pushed. She also pulled out a small mirror so that I could see his head. I reached down and felt his soft hair and realized how close he was to coming out of me.

As Brad’s head came down further and further I found the hardest part of pushing was the time between pushing. I couldn’t get comfortable and didn’t have the strength to keep my legs supported during those rest times. 

I started rolling over onto my right side and crossing my legs during those rest periods. I am sure that it looked so silly but I couldn’t think of anything that would feel better so that is what I did.

They pulled out the mirror and I could see how close he was to crowning. I knew if he was born before midnight he would have his birthday, then Kyla’s the next day, then Travis’s on the 14th.

I pushed. I pushed. I pushed. Then I’d roll to my side and wait.

I held my breath as I pushed. And would scream at the end of the third push. I didn’t scream because it hurt but because there was still more energy that needed to leave my body and that was the only way it was coming out.

All of the sudden I felt super dry. I was worried that without more moisture he would be stuck in there forever. I remember licking my fingers to wet myself and as I reached down I could feel his entire head. He was crowning. I just had to push him out!

I was about to meet Bradley!

Push!   

Push!!!

Push!!!!!!

PUSH!!!!!!!

Four consecutive pushes later out came his head. . . and his right fist which had been up by his eye.

Waiting to push again was more than I could take so i bore down with all my might.

I don’t have the words to explain how it felt when his shoulders and the rest of his body slipped through. It was slimy and kind of made me think of a bunch of fish pushing through a hole. I immediately felt a warm rush not only of the fluids leaving my body but of happiness filling me.

I had done it. I had birthed a baby through my vagina.

I didn’t have to have a c-section.

I wasn’t broken.

I was a strong woman.

Because Jill had reported that there was meconium instead of allowing all of his chord blood to go back into his body as we had requested Sarah, who was following hospital protocol., cut the chord and handed him off to pediatrics. 

He was still in the same room as us and I stared at him as the doctors gave him an APGAR score of 9. I knew then that their wasn’t any meconium and that he was fine. I kept repeating “I did it” and Bradley’s name over and over.  Here was my new precious little baby boy.

As I held him in my arms I was struck with the amount of love that I felt for him. 

The love was so new yet so strong. It increased my love for Matt and for Levi without diminishing the love I felt in the least. I love my 3 boys with all my heart and in that moment I knew it.

Brad was quickly brought over and put on my chest. Receiving another APGAR of 9 at the five minute mark. He quickly latched on as Matt and I stared at him in awe of the experience we had both just been through.

Sarah and Bindu asked me to push out the placenta. I held Bradley and prepared to bear down. Instead of pushing out the placenta I passed a lot of gas. Over and over again. Then the placenta came out quite easily in one push.

Sarah examined me. I had one small tiny tear that really didn’t need a stitch, two small paper cut like lacerations from my catheter, and one small hemorrhoid. Pretty impressive when his  head was in the 98th percentile without his fist.

Bindu needed practice in stitching so i consented to two tiny stitches - I didn’t feel a thing. I was still too high from my birth. 

I had done what I set out to do. I had birthed my son. I had felt it. I had experienced the highs and lows. I was holding this new sweet precious boy. I had another precious boy sleeping away waiting to meet his brother. I had the kindest, strongest, most loving husband at my side. Life could not have been more perfect than that moment.

As i finish typing up this story 8 days later I still can’t get over how great my birthing experience, in its whole was. I don’t think I would go back and change a thing if I could. Okay, I’d go back and get rid of the hemorrhoid those things suck!

Matt is putting Levi to bed while I sit here nursing Bradley and typing away. I can’t believe that was only 8 days ago. I feel like Bradley has been with us for much longer than that. 

Levi is a great big brother. He constantly wants to hold or help Brad in some way. We have to keep reminding him to be gentle.

If I could give birth again tomorrow I would do it just for the rush of the endorphins I got. I don’t want another baby. I love mine far too much and want ample amount of time to spoil him before deciding to try to bring another one into the world. But after experiencing a birth like that I know that it is definitely something that I want to do again. 

BIRTH STATS

HEAD CIRCUMFERENCE: 14.57 INCHES

WEIGHT: 7 POUNDS 15 OUNCES

HEIGHT: 19.69 INCHES

DATE AND TIME OF BIRTH: JUNE 13 2012 AT 00:16

Pictures By Mal Walker.

We absolutely loved her. These pictures mean as much to me as my wedding pictures.  If you are having a baby I HIGHLY recommend having a photographer there. It has helped me to better remember one of the most important days of my life.